Prison Oddities: A Reflection
Anyone who has spent ANY time behind bars can attest to at least one odd story or another pertaining to their stay. There is a "What the fuck?" factor to every jail. Just keep your eyes open and you will find some detail that has you either scratching your head or laughing emphatically.
One of these "What the fuck?" moments came while spending a month in segregation for a "tobacco-related incident". The cells were bright red and had open barred faces which provided the occupant with a wonderfully pock-marked view of concrete nothingness. The slitted windows toward the ceiling of the three-story human warehouse mocked those of us confined to 23-hour lock-down with thin rays of piercing sunshine. None of us would be outdoors breathing clean air for a while, and the airborne detritus illuminated by the always fading daylight was a sickening reminder.
Very little was provided for reading in these circumstances. You could get a Bible or Book of Koran from Prison Ministries if that was your thing. You could also fill out a "kite" to the librarian requesting books of your choice to read. I'm not sure where that expression was derived from, but that was the name they had for the form. This would ultimately result in a two-week wait for requested materials to be gathered and delivered. Inmates don't like to wait and this results in reading materials being passed from one cell to another. I like to call it literary hot-potato, except that there is more than one potato and they are all different.
You never knew what you would be handed when the guy in the cell to either side of you said, "Hey!" It could be anything from Shakespeare to Machiavelli. It was usually just porn though, which always deserved a look. You usually started questioning what people had been doing with the magazine before it made it to your cell by about page 2. Then once you had turned from page 2 to the next page, page 16, you'd get your breath back. How considerate of everyone to not whack off with a community magazine in their possession! My fellow inmates had been stealing the pages one by one as the magazine made its rounds through the cell-house. Rip a page out for yourself and pass it on! It was a porn democracy. Sometimes though, you'd get the magazine and so many pages would be missing that even the thumbnail adds for Asian call girls and such would be missing
I often wondered what everyone was doing with these pages and clippings. I mean, I knew what they were doing with them, but did they keep them and archive them or what? This question was answered shortly into my stay when an inmate on my tier had his cell searched. I stood quickly and held my mirror through the bars to get a look-see. Outside of the man's cell, amongst all of his scattered belongings the corrections officers were going through, was a huge collage of porn. I can remember laughing at first and wondering if the pictures were secured in place with toothpaste or his unborn children. You could no doubt judge a man's stay in segregation by his porn accumulation. At that moment I was thankful I wasn't going to be in prison, much less segregation, long enough to go through that much adhesive. (Click here to subscribe to my feed!)
One of these "What the fuck?" moments came while spending a month in segregation for a "tobacco-related incident". The cells were bright red and had open barred faces which provided the occupant with a wonderfully pock-marked view of concrete nothingness. The slitted windows toward the ceiling of the three-story human warehouse mocked those of us confined to 23-hour lock-down with thin rays of piercing sunshine. None of us would be outdoors breathing clean air for a while, and the airborne detritus illuminated by the always fading daylight was a sickening reminder.
Very little was provided for reading in these circumstances. You could get a Bible or Book of Koran from Prison Ministries if that was your thing. You could also fill out a "kite" to the librarian requesting books of your choice to read. I'm not sure where that expression was derived from, but that was the name they had for the form. This would ultimately result in a two-week wait for requested materials to be gathered and delivered. Inmates don't like to wait and this results in reading materials being passed from one cell to another. I like to call it literary hot-potato, except that there is more than one potato and they are all different.
You never knew what you would be handed when the guy in the cell to either side of you said, "Hey!" It could be anything from Shakespeare to Machiavelli. It was usually just porn though, which always deserved a look. You usually started questioning what people had been doing with the magazine before it made it to your cell by about page 2. Then once you had turned from page 2 to the next page, page 16, you'd get your breath back. How considerate of everyone to not whack off with a community magazine in their possession! My fellow inmates had been stealing the pages one by one as the magazine made its rounds through the cell-house. Rip a page out for yourself and pass it on! It was a porn democracy. Sometimes though, you'd get the magazine and so many pages would be missing that even the thumbnail adds for Asian call girls and such would be missing
I often wondered what everyone was doing with these pages and clippings. I mean, I knew what they were doing with them, but did they keep them and archive them or what? This question was answered shortly into my stay when an inmate on my tier had his cell searched. I stood quickly and held my mirror through the bars to get a look-see. Outside of the man's cell, amongst all of his scattered belongings the corrections officers were going through, was a huge collage of porn. I can remember laughing at first and wondering if the pictures were secured in place with toothpaste or his unborn children. You could no doubt judge a man's stay in segregation by his porn accumulation. At that moment I was thankful I wasn't going to be in prison, much less segregation, long enough to go through that much adhesive. (Click here to subscribe to my feed!)
4 comments:
( My fellow inmates had been stealing the pages one by one as the magazine made its rounds through the cell-house. Rip a page out for yourself and pass it on! It was a porn democracy. )you rock!
Fucking hilarious. Gross but funny and ...well oh so true I imagine, or try not to, anyway another gem from Nick. thanks
Hard to find anything funny about being in segregation, I would imagine. But you sure did. Another good post by the Rambler!
There is more than you would believe that can be considered humor in segregation. When people you can't identify are given free reign with their tongues, some of the most random and repulsive shit ever uttered by a human being or heard by one for that matter, is just an every day occurrence.
I heard a story one time from a corrections officer who was a boss on one of my inmate jobs. He mentioned working in the Colorado State Penitentiary (Maximum Security) where inmates are allowed out for showers one at a time.
Every day when this black man would walk past this one racist inmates cell, this white dude would slosh feces and urine underneath the door, soaking the other guys feet in the nasty concoction.
The officer said this happened several times, and the white guy would scream racial slurs through the door while his victim fought to catch his balance in his state-issue flip-flops. Not an easy job on a freshly waxed tier I bet.
When you finished your shower, you would simply walk back to the front of your cell and wait for the officer in the tower to buzz it open.
One day the black dude finished his shower and walked back and stood in front of the racist guys cell. The guard working the tower was new and looked at the corresponding number of the door and opened it without any hesitation.
Supposedly the shit-thrower was drug from the safety of his cell and tossed thirty feet to his death over the edge of the tier. Tough lesson if it was true.
I keep telling you man, you've got a book in you somewhere, begging to get out. There's all kinds of justice, I guess and this racist got his. Always entertaining! Thanks Nick.
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