Go Green or Go Home: Wipe Your Ass w/ 1 Piece of Toilet Paper

This environmentally friendly tip comes directly from an Airborne Ranger who was a drill instructor of mine while in disciplinary boot camp. A few of the recruits had complained about only being provided with ten squares when attacking the head for a number 2. I was sure we were about to be thrashed mercilessly but instead were offered the following lesson -- You can wipe your ass efficiently with just one piece. Pay attention! I'm sure you'll never have to do this.

1. Start with one section of your favorite brand of toilet paper. Avoid single-ply!

2. Fold the piece in half.













3. Fold in half once more, creating a square.

4. Locate the corner of the square in which the center of the toilet paper section rests.

5. And tear it off, being sure to preserve the smaller piece for later.

6. This should create a hole in the middle of the paper which you can then slide your index finger through. You figure out where this is going yet? Yeah, not anywhere near me either!

7. Using your finger (Yeah, fucking gross!), you then remove the fecal matter from your nether region. Afterwards, using your free hand, pull back on the toilet paper, removing the shit from your hand and depositing it onto the T.P.. Remember the tiny corner you removed?

8. It comes in handy when removing any stubborn debris which might have become lodged beneath your fingernail. Happy wiping!