Counting Shaun, 20 Prison Characters Who All Likely Have Stories to Share

The contents below have nothing to do with my autobiography, but are a humorous and interesting read that should definitely have you checking out the author's own story. His story goes to show that the poor aren't the only people getting locked up (I'm not counting white-collar offenders, they end up at country club-like prisons), humor can be found in any situation, and that some jails (specifically the county jail ran by Sherrif Joe Arpaio where people who haven't even been prosecuted are subjected to entirely inhumane conditions) need to be inspected by health officials and human-rights activists alike. I thought his cause and story could use some help. Here is his bio, written by his sister followed by a great collection of real-life character descriptions from his journey through the system

Shaun Attwood grew up in northwestern England where he was an early participant in the burgeoning rave scene that soon took over the whole country.

Graduating from Liverpool University in 1991 with a business degree, he emigrated to Phoenix to try his luck in the world of finance and rose quickly through the ranks to become the top-producing stockbroker at his company two years in a row.

But it was not quite plain sailing, bipolar Shaun lost control of his life and finances in the mid-nineties, declared bankruptcy and quit his job.

The rave bug had never left him, and Shaun started to throw raves in Arizona while investing in international technology stocks online. By 1999, he was living in a million-dollar mountainside house in Tucson's Sin Vacas, working as a day trader by day and partying at night. It was the time of the Dot.com Bubble and he made a fortune on paper, but the bubble was soon to burst and Shaun lost all the money he had made and moved back to Phoenix.

In May 2002, he was arrested in Scottsdale during a SWAT-team dawn raid, and alleged to be the head of an international criminal organization with hundreds of underlings all involved in a club-drug conspiracy. The local media described him as "Bigger than Sammy the Bull," and reports suggested he was facing a life sentence.

In 2004, Shaun started a blog documenting the inhumane conditions at the cockroach-infested jails run by Sheriff Joe Arpaio. After two years of being held on remand in various hellhole jails while three trials were canceled, Shaun signed a plea bargain admitting guilt to three class 3 felonies: Money Laundering, Attempt To Commit A Dangerous Drug Violation, and Use Of An Electronic Device To Commit a Drug Transaction. He was sentenced to nine-and-a-half years in prison.

In September 2004, blog excerpts were published in The Guardian, attracting further media attention. -- Karen Atwood

His characters alone are worth giving his story a look. Enjoy!


Two Tonys - A whacker of men and Mafia associate serving multiple life sentences for murders and violent crimes. Claims all his victims "had it coming." His acerbic wit may upset the politically correct.

Xena - A transsexual giant and Wiccan priest. The charismatic leader of Cult Of Xena (COX). Tattoos include a wasp on his penis and ant trails running up his legs. Recently cut off his testes.

Royo Girl - An intelligent and attractive criminology graduate who visited me at the prison. Whether her interest is based on love or she is writing a thesis on my criminality is an open question.

Frankie - A Mexican Mafia hitman and leader of prison "booty bandits" who has been proposing our gay marriage ever since he saw me apply antifungal ointment to the bedsores on my buttocks at the Madison Street jail, where he was held on murder charges.

Slingblade - A sumo-sized schizophrenic Vietnam vet living in a world far removed from normality. He looks as if he could have a flashback and snap your neck at any moment. No guard or prisoner with a modicum of sanity would ever get between this murderer and a tray of chow.

Ogre - A burly biker and Californian-gang member who accidentally stabbed his wife in the knee, and seems to have become a classic case of prison pharmacology gone wrong. He claims to have got high with Pamela Anderson, and to have shared carnal knowledge with Jenny McCarthy.

Weird Al - The most unlikely bank robber you are ever likely to meet. His true story of suicide by cop gives new meaning to the power of unchecked depression. His cutting wit would make a stoic monk giggle.

Shane - After being denied psychiatric medication by ValueOptions, Shane turned to illegal drugs, which he financed with burglaries. He once resembled a sane person but he now refers to himself as "Jong Ill, next in line to the North Korean throne." The medication in prison caused him to suffer a period of spontaneous ejaculations.

T-Bone - A deeply-spiritual and massively-built African-American. A prison gladiator with more stab wounds than Julius Caesar. A good man to have on your side.

Repo - A giant whose bald head is emblazoned with flames, skulls, and other satanic insignia. He makes the villian in The Hills Have Eyes seem as scary as Pee-Wee Herman. As part of an investigation into the recent murder of a prisoner, he was sent to the hole and is facing the death penalty.

Max - A car-jacking Chukchansi Indian who went home to Las Vegas in 2007. He sold his semen to an old pervert while in prison. The rest of his sexy stories are being posted under the "Zucchini" series.

Midnight - A car-crash sufferer whose consequent addiction to pain killers, crack, and crystal meth lost him his home and family. He is dying from cancer and has been bleeding from the rectum.

Slope - A hillbilly biker with militiaman tendencies who’s been serving a sentence for murder since Wham were topping the charts. Born and raised in Sunnyslope - a neighbourhood putting as much energy into becoming the crack and crystal meth hub of Phoenix as if it were vying to host the Olympic Games.

Kat - A Navajo transsexual and talented artist specializing in Native American and Southwestern designs. A source of handbag-trance tapes that no self-respecting clubber listens to anymore, yet still manage to make tears stream down my cheeks. Kat removed his testes two days after my release.

Iron Man - A martial-arts expert and personal trainer whose crimes include smashing someone’s door down: "I didn’t hurt anyone. I just wanted my fuckin’ money." His workouts are brutal. "I’ll have you in the best shape of your life by the time you get out," he told me.

Gina - A transsexual who used a razor blade to detach his testes. After attempting to cauterize the wound with a cigarette lighter, Gina ended up in the hospital. Minus the testosterone, plus makeup tattooed on, soft-spoken Gina resembles a woman.

Long Island - Promising young cellmate I taught to trade the financial markets. Released and rearrested for forgery and running over a policeman.

Hammy - Best friend I grew up with in my hometown. Fond of alcohol, especially Stella Artois.

Posh Bird - Woman I have an on-again-off-again relationship with. She starts studying for a Postgraduate Certificate in Education in September and wants to become a teacher.

Myspace.com Blogs - Meet the Inmates. - Shaun Attwood MySpace Blog